question of the week:

When do I feel playful and childlike again?

When my son was little, I carried so much guilt over feeling like I didn’t know how to “play” the way I thought I was supposed to. I remember reluctantly admitting to other moms that, “I’m not a very good ‘play-er’.” I didn’t do ‘pretend’ well, and I had little patience for things that didn’t have a clear beginning, ending, and structured track to follow. I would think it might be fun to make a recipe together, and then end up taking over because I needed to move the process along—and contain the mess! (*gulp*cringe*)

I managed this perceived shortcoming with regular trips to the library for stacks of books (bedtime reading was ritual), to Home Depot for crafting workshops, book stores for story times, lots of playgrounds and parks, and visits to family and friends. I saw this as ‘compensatory play.’

I felt some relief as he grew and the forms of play shifted organically. They fell more into a domain of play I was comfortable with: throwing a football or baseball or Frisbee; board games; riding bikes; ice skating; walking the dogs while he rode whatever he was wheeling around at the time; going on adventures to check out new places; surfing together. 

When I look even further back, to my own childhood, I remember playing pretend all the time, in countless ways, mostly alone. I had a vivid imagination! Both of my parents were athletic, so as we got older, play became less imaginary, less exploratory and more structured with sports and school activities. Competitiveness was lauded and pressure to perform was palpable. My older brother took the brunt of it, and I remember wanting to disappear on the drives home when he didn’t live up to Dad’s expectations…it wasn’t pleasant.

I ascribed that same pressure to perform to academics, and found emotional salvation in the praise and approval my good grades solicited. There was no longer room for silliness, imagination, shenanigans. In order for me to belong, to make something of myself, I had to be serious — I needed a plan, a track, a goal to be somewhere other than where I was…a mission to be someone better than who I was.

When I began studying the nervous system, I learned that belonging is a biological imperative, and our nervous system will do whatever it takes to be loved and accepted by our core tribe, at any cost to ourselves or our identity. From this lens, it becomes clear how easily play can take a back-burner when we aren’t in an environment that prioritizes creativity, individuality, self-acceptance, safety and unconditional love. 

Modern neuroscience has demonstrated that emotions (including playfulness) are not fixed responses we “have” or “don’t have.” They are experiences the brain constructs in the moment, based on context, memory, and what feels safe enough.

Playfulness doesn’t disappear as we grow older, it becomes conditional.
It’s not something we lose, it’s something the nervous system allows…
when conditions feel right.

Playfulness is a state the body permits, and tends to emerge when the system senses:

• enough safety

• enough space

• enough permission to explore without consequence

Which makes this week’s QOTW [When do I feel playful and childlike again?] less about finding play…and more about recognizing the conditions where it naturally returns.

So instead of asking, “Why am I not more playful?”

you might gently wonder: When does play already find me?

To aid you in discovering this for yourself, I’ve created this FREE DOWNLOAD:
Serious About Play—Locating Play in Your Lived Experience.

For me personally, THIS!  Among many other things, setting aside time for creative writing where I can share a little about me, integrate research and education, make supportive or creative graphics, and feel like I’m being of service or inspiration — THIS IS PLAY to me, truly!! So Thank You for reading this far and I’d really love to hear your response to this question as well, just hit Reply!

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